Feeling derailed

It disheartens that I have so quickly abandoned all the activities in my life that have kept the blues away. Was it only last week that I felt great, like I could conquer anything or anyone standing in my way?

What the hell happened?

Some of my activities developed out of routine:

  • Exercise after work, even if I’m tired
  • Write a post about what’s going on, even if I’m unmotivated or uninspired
  • Take the motorcycle out, weather permitting

I didn’t do any of that this week. And I have felt crushed under the weight of my responibilities and challenges. I’m sensing a pattern.

    Progressing in praying

    I don’t know where I stand on my progress. I’m being totally honest here: but I don’t really notice much difference. Maybe I’m being impatient. Maybe if god knows all things, and what’s coming, then there really is a good reason for me having a shitty week. I guess I’d just like a clue, that’s all.

    I’m stubborn. I don’t want to give up on praying this easily. So I’ll keep trying.

    Last week’s discussion

    I was riding down FM 534 last Sunday and I decided I’d try talking to god. I said, “I don’t have anything to say in particular, but I’m angry. I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like I’m being ripped into pieces.”

    A response: Make a list of your frustration, of what bothers you.

    So I did. I’m not going to mention my list here because, frankly, it’s none of your damned business. But I got it out into the open.

    I’m not sure if I really felt better, but at least I got stuff off my chest.

    Another response: Why do you hold onto all of this?

    I didn’t have a good reason. 

    Why, indeed

    Upon reflection, I think I keep anger inside me because I feel like I need it. Anger can fuel action. I have a lot of anger about things that happened in my past that fuel my decisions today. Most of it concerns how I’m raising my sons versus how I was raised.

    I’m not perfect. My parents weren’t perfect. But I still have many questions for them about events in the past.

    And anger.

    But, I’ll be damned if I make the same mistakes they did. Everyone finds ways to justify their actions, good and bad, but I gotta wonder what the fuck with through their heads with some of the decisions they made.

    After pondering all of this, while going 75mph down the road, I had a simple question: Is this you?

    No response.

    God, is this you? If it is, show me. Let me feel the peace that so many say they get when they talk to you.

    Nothing.

    I know it’s probably not wise to ask god to give you a reason to believe in him/her/it/whatever while you’re flying down backcountry roads, but that’s exactly what I did.

    And I’m not sure what to make of that conversation yet. But, like I said, I’m not giving up on my search yet.

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    1. There are so many things I’d like to say, and I’ve been sitting here for quite awhile trying to figure out how to condense them into a few short sentences. It basically comes down to this: I don’t believe that God exists to automatically fix us. Sometimes he sends us on a journey, sometimes a hard journey. He gives us a guide for that journey and the more we rely on that guide, the easier the journey is. When we waiver from the guide and try to go it on our own, the harder the journey is. I will begin my fourth year of dialysis in April. My stump hurts all the time and rheumatoid arthritis is beginning to rob me of some of my favorite activities. I couldn’t get through the day without knowing that God was going through it with me. I’ll stop now before this becomes a dissertation. But please, don’t give up your quest for answers. And look into his Word with an open mind and heart. Many of them are right there. Good luck!

      Liked by 1 person

    2. I reckon you are a bloke who will never give up. You have come through much adversity and you are still fighting. Goes to show that you are strong in the face of adversity and you will triumph over it. Just don’t give up.

      Liked by 1 person

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