It disheartens that I have so quickly abandoned all the activities in my life that have kept the blues away. Was it only last week that I felt great, like I could conquer anything or anyone standing in my way?
What the hell happened?
Some of my activities developed out of routine:
- Exercise after work, even if I’m tired
- Write a post about what’s going on, even if I’m unmotivated or uninspired
- Take the motorcycle out, weather permitting
I didn’t do any of that this week. And I have felt crushed under the weight of my responibilities and challenges. I’m sensing a pattern.
Progressing in praying
I don’t know where I stand on my progress. I’m being totally honest here: but I don’t really notice much difference. Maybe I’m being impatient. Maybe if god knows all things, and what’s coming, then there really is a good reason for me having a shitty week. I guess I’d just like a clue, that’s all.
I’m stubborn. I don’t want to give up on praying this easily. So I’ll keep trying.
Last week’s discussion
I was riding down FM 534 last Sunday and I decided I’d try talking to god. I said, “I don’t have anything to say in particular, but I’m angry. I feel lost. Sometimes I feel like I’m being ripped into pieces.”
A response: Make a list of your frustration, of what bothers you.
So I did. I’m not going to mention my list here because, frankly, it’s none of your damned business. But I got it out into the open.
I’m not sure if I really felt better, but at least I got stuff off my chest.
Another response: Why do you hold onto all of this?
I didn’t have a good reason.
Upon reflection, I think I keep anger inside me because I feel like I need it. Anger can fuel action. I have a lot of anger about things that happened in my past that fuel my decisions today. Most of it concerns how I’m raising my sons versus how I was raised.
I’m not perfect. My parents weren’t perfect. But I still have many questions for them about events in the past.
But, I’ll be damned if I make the same mistakes they did. Everyone finds ways to justify their actions, good and bad, but I gotta wonder what the fuck with through their heads with some of the decisions they made.
After pondering all of this, while going 75mph down the road, I had a simple question: Is this you?
God, is this you? If it is, show me. Let me feel the peace that so many say they get when they talk to you.
I know it’s probably not wise to ask god to give you a reason to believe in him/her/it/whatever while you’re flying down backcountry roads, but that’s exactly what I did.
And I’m not sure what to make of that conversation yet. But, like I said, I’m not giving up on my search yet.