Wintergreen Wonderland

Raise your hand if you have ever been assaulted by an overpowering, yet well-meaning, scent? The old man who seemingly bathed in cologne or the bra store in San Marcos where there’s an invisible cloud of body spray hanging in the rafters. 

Are they trying to compensate for some perceived unpleasantness or are they so sure they smell just fine?

Stages of growth?

When does it change from a scent to an aroma to an odor? And then there’s just full-on stanky. 

Perhaps it’s completely subjective. Pleasant frangrances are in the noses of the beholders. Or something like that. 

En route to Laredo

I stopped off at a gas station on Hwy 44 in Freer a few weeks ago to get some water and take a wiz. 

The men’s room was full-on stanky. But not in the way you’d naturally think. The powers that be decided to cover up the garden variety bodily odors with wintergreen. WINTERGREEN EVERYTHING. 

Never before had I found myself longing for some of that ol’ stale urine stench until I was in this bathroom. 

Winter isn’t even green, dammit

I find that wintergreen stench especially repugnant because it reminds me of the time I tried some chewing tobacco. Or was it snuff? What’s the damn difference?

Me and Ryan were camping about three years ago in Goliad. We’d had a couple of cigars and more than a couple of beers. He pulls out this can of tobacco from his pocket and starts doing some kind of drumbeat motion on the lid with his index finger. Maybe it’s some ritual or tribute to the tobacco gods. I don’t know. 

I’m nice and lit from the dozen or so Shiners I’ve put back, so I ask him if I can try some. Ryan says “sure” and hands me the can. 

It says “Grizzly” across the top in large block letters. Now, I saw the warning about it causing mouth cancer. But there was no warning offered for how foul this crap made my mouth feel. Ryan was suspiciously silent. 

I pulled out a pinch of the stuff and put it between my bottom lip and gum. Now, I’ve never had actual shit in my mouth, but I imagine this type of chewing tobacco is a reasonable facsimile. This foul substance had the texture of manure and made my mouth feel like it was on fire. 

The whole ordeal was over in about ten seconds. I spit that nasty shit out onto the ground, gagging and coughing. 

Ryan just sat there, laughing his ass off at how foolish I must have looked. 

Never again. 

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  1. LOL

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